Burn Notice

NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT BIGFOOT.

Comedy out of the way, on to news. Acquired and defeated another sickness recently. Since I … burned myself, I find my body being caught off guard by things that once never affected me. It is an unpleasant and unfamiliar experience.

How do you mammals survive living like this? It’s kind of morbid, with the intensity you go about stumbling from one ailment and sickness to the next. It’s almost as if you look forward to them at times, and it makes me a little sick I share blood with you. The prices you pay for maintaining a steady body temperature, I suppose.

Elsewhere in life I am finding myself becoming increasingly displeased with who I am and who I have been. I think I have nearly been a few different people in my short time. I was once a small child with no perspective of the world, full of hope and wonder… Then I was older, a young teen with an idea of the world around him but no knowledge of how to operate successfully within it, and no one available or willing to elaborate the specifics.

Much like my flesh in my younger days, I was unprepared for a world so full of shortsighted spiteful, selfish mammals–too preoccupied with propagating their own sweaty, stinky genes to think twice about people an arm’s distance away. As I have aged, my body has adapted many forms of armor to deal with my environment, and from that young teen has gradually evolved the young creature I am now. I no longer claim to understand the world as a whole, though I have a predetermined idea of how to handle the things in it, flexible plans that can be easily modified for most environments.

I have found it is often a safe bet that most people you meet will hurt you, either by malicious intent, incompetence or simple ignorance. Treat external forces as threats, keep oneself guarded. Be polite, take nothing more than just what you need, and try to be either large and intimidating or unobserved.

And yet, even from this person I have become I continue to progress to something else. As my tolerance for all things increases, as exposure scars and numbs my body and mind, I feel myself becoming something else yet more distant than what I am now. Perhaps it will be a sudden shift, abrupt adjustment into a new viewpoint and conditioned set of reactions. Maybe it will scare you away. Perhaps, it will be sudden I won’t notice at all. Maybe one day there will just be nothing left to feel.

I am unsure I desire these changes, and that I am happy with the ones that have occurred.

To put things simply, I would like to petition for an opportunity to re-roll my character.

Returning home recently I have attempted to reunite myself with friends. A few still remain, most have moved on. Physically or mentally, few friends I still have.

It makes exploring my childhood home like wandering an excavated graveyard. Coffins of memories with no bodies to claim them. It’s a little depressing, but at the same time a relief. So little of my past to come back to me.

The time has left me without much to say to you, here.  I’ll try to find something more interesting to do to tell you takes once I write again. I think I may volunteer for a small patrol duty.

Been thinking. Nothing troubling me, just thinking for the sake of doing so. My mind seems to move glacially at times and two steps ahead with laser precision, others. I think a lot, contrary to outward appearances. I spend time considering, evaluating, guessing, second guessing, and planning things.

Important things I give the most consideration, and ample preparation and thought have given me a wealth of practiced reactions to many situations. Lacking the same range of social skills as most, I have to go about things in a roundabout way. Trying to be impromptu ends up in me leaning too heavily on instict. That almost never ends well.

To the point at hand, I merely went somewhere almost too hot for me, to think. I find when the sunrise sets rocks aflame and combusts the atmosphere is when I am most at peace. The metal composing my skeleton holds heat well, but my tissues conduct poorly. The end result is my bones are actually rather cold almost all the time, and the only way I can handle this is regular soaks in molten metal and frequent sojourns to places so close to stars that my metal-woven clothing melts off my skin in moments.

I spent this time in particular considering mistakes I’ve made, and wondering how things might be different had I never misspoken, acted poorly, or simply had more foresight and awareness. Of course, for each fault I am now stronger in some way, more prepared for the road ahead, and less prone to making the same mistake. Thought not all cases hold these lessons. There are some mistakes I make over and over.

It’s these mistakes that I either cannot or subconsciously refuse to learn from that pain me the most. The things these mistakes destroy often are the brightest points in my life. Perhaps with the mind of a man who had less time I would be more prone to learn. From my eyes I have all of eternity, and so no lesson can ever take too long to learn.

Sometimes I wonder if I wouldn’t enjoy staying there, alone on my exiled molten ball of rock, far away from everyone and everything that can touch me. To simply drift forever until the heat death of the universe came for me, too.

I always come back, though. I never seem to learn.

Everything has to start somewhere, right? Might as well be from the ground up. This probably won’t be updated too frequently…important events and thoughts are few and far between for this one.

But hey. Interest of science, and all. And I’m nothing if not for the interests of science.